La Lengua Internacional

This morning I received a text message at 5am from someone who spoke Spanish. The number is international and I'm pretty sure the message says something along the lines of "Get up already son and Dona Eva. . .let's go to the rubbish!" At least, that's what an internet translator told me. Somehow my phone number has reached the far shores of Spain. Hos in different area codes? Try hos in different country codes.

Back to Chicago

Hello again, pretty city. I really like you.

Ugly sweaters

Tonight one of my friends hosted an ugly sweater party/white elephant gift exchange. Did the good tiimes roll? Yes. Yes they did.



This is how cool and on the edge my friends and I are. At one point we had an Operation tournament to see who could remove all of the pieces the fastest. No, no need to say it. We rock balls.



This is a glowing wise man that Lindsay put in the window of her house to direct partygoers. She said she bought it from Goodwill that day and that there was a second wiseman that she decided against purchasing. I have never been more dissapointed in my life.



This is a little figure of Santa praying over the baby Jesus that Lindsay had in her house. I hope Jesus got what he wanted for Christmas that year.



At one point we had a vote on who wore the ugliest sweater. I won with this beauty from the "my mom" collection and received a universal toolbox for my fashion sense. On a sidenote, I was taking a shit when I took this picture.

Hello Jesus

Christmas day with my family. I think my mom is beating her present in the background. Also notice the fiber optic angel sitting on the piano. My family does Christmas like it's a required gen ed.

Hiking in PHX

Back in Phoenix. I went on a hike with my dad and my brother-in-law. It was very refreshing to be hiking again. It made me think of all of the night hikes I went on in college with my friends. This is one of the few things I miss about living in Arizona.



Yea, this view is all pretty and shit, but the only thing I could think of is "Phoenix just keeps expanding! Fuck this city!"

Givin' it to the roomies

Tonight was the apartment gift exchange. We all gathered around the half-assed tree like triplets gathered around a single tit and rejoiced.



Before all the exchangin' went down, my roommate Kat was trying to make cookies for her family for Christmas. The cookies came out a little flat and crumbly, and Kat despaired, waving our spatula at the cookies in shame. They actually tasted pretty good despite appearance. Don't judge book covers and shit.



The spirit runs through her. . .



I got Kat a book called "Are Men Really Necessary?" Two seconds after this picture, she discovered that as well.



Jill shows off her gift from Kat, a "Hugs not Drugs" t-shirt. If only that applied to diabetes patients. I received a lunchbox that says "Whom have you exposed to syphilis" and a calendar of nuns in crazy poses. The exchange was a success.

Christmas card

Today we got this Christmas card in the mail. No one in the apartment knew these people, and that makes me glad. These people have as much holiday cheer as a snow embankment with the yellow stain of a drunkard who attempted to write his name in urine. If I was contemplating suicide and I received this card I'd have no second thoughts.

Mermaid

A few days ago there was an articel on the BBC website about a girl whose legs were attached at birth and is having surgery to correct them. The article said the little girl was dubbed "mermaid girl" or "little mermaid" because of her condition. I don't know, that seems kind of messed up. If she survives the surgery her parents will have to tell her that she used to be called a mermaid until her legs were separated. Thanks mom and dad. I'm glad everyone took it so seriously.

Seasons

Since I am from Arizona I am fascinated by the change of seasons here. It's all new to me, so I'm trying to document it by taking pictures of my street as it changes. I've taken a few pictures a month and hope to continue to do so throughout the winter, but we'll see how enthused I am about documenting in negative temperatures. For now. . .

The sun

Today was the first day of the week I got to see sunlight. I blame the weather and working from 8-4:30 for missing the sun. It's strangely affecting to go days living in the darkness of morning and night. It's almost like living in a strange vacuum, kind of like that movie Dark City. Only I'm pretty sure I don't have kinetic mind control powers. Or maybe I just haven't tapped the right part of my brain. Hmm. Um, oh, uh, I'll be in my lab. . .

The FACTS

Fun facts from the front desk:

1) I work with a guy named Igor.

2) Yesterday a co-worker shouted "I'd have sex with Oprah's toes!"

3) Marriott, a big multinational multibillion dollar company, still uses a DOS based program for their reservations system.

4) One of my managers has the roundest, fattest fingertips I've ever seen. His fingerprints must be really scary.

5) The hotel pool is kept at a temperature of 82 degrees, but the party's always set to broil.

(P.S. The picture has nothing to do with this post. I just wanted to be reminded of fall, because it's winter now and it's cold as ice tits)

Sarcasm?

This banner was in the room that I did my computer training. It is addressing the concierge employees. It seems like a very sweet and inspirational banner, except for the fact that "appreciate" is in quotations. That made me wonder if whoever made the banner was sarcastically acknowledging their work, or if they were making fun of the word appreciate itself (which, if they were, I agree with them wholeheartedly. What a shitty word. "We formally acknowledge your efforts." I'm not an infant that just learned how to use the toilet.)

State of the Shit

Today I switched to this lovely computer to learn the Marriott guest reservation and check in system. I read green colored font all day and pined for the color and vibrancy of the training CDs of yesterday. But every time I was about to fall asleep or think this sucks, my brain shouted "Hey! At least you're not working at Starbucks, you fuck!" And then suddenly everything came into perspective and I laughed and raised my imaginary cup to an imaginary God.

Job: #2

Today was the first day of my new job with Marriott International. All day I sat in front of a computer and went through training CD's, which is fine with me because soon I'll be on my feet all day. They entertained me with acronyms/acrostic poetry and customer service videos. I hope one day my smile will be as sincere as the guy in the background of the picture. I also hope I get to wear a kick ass vest like him as well.

Oh, Thanksgiving

Ok. So I'm going to cover my trip home for Thanksgiving in one fell swoop, because I don't feel like making a post for every day. That's stupid. I have a life. In a sense.


After I vacated my room and moved to Chicago my mom told me she was going to buy new furniture and make it into a guest room. She made me interested to see it because she kept telling me it was "tropically themed" and would remind me of "Hawaii" (where I was born). So when I arrive home and beheld the brown bland town that my room had become it was extremely difficult to feign surprise and joy. There was nothing on the walls, every piece of furniture was a shade of brown, and the room echoed. Oh boy did I feel like I was at the most nihilistic paradise ever.



While I was home I got a haircut. With no instruction the barber decided to comb my hair over like I was hiding baldness. After taking this picture I auditioned for and was accepted as a replacement for Bob Barker, solely based on coiffeur.

And now here's a section of pictures of some of my friends from AZ, because they were a big reason my trip home kicked ass. Shitties!





One of my friends is a rock star, so this is the best picture I could get of him.

And that's Thanksgiving. No turkey pictures. That's too easy. I decorated the house for Christmas with my mom and dad, but that was so painful that I refused to document it. Because Christmas eats my ass.

Last supper

My last day at Starbucks/Freshens/the Convient Store. F yea.




The last time I have to make the transition to barista, hopefully for forever. I'm smug with satisfaction.



As I left the building for the final time my eyes detected something sublime. A group of about 5 guys were putting up this statue. I know it's hard to see the detail in this picture, but it basically looks like the statue is made out of cow patties heaped on top one another. It was a fecal monument to my return to Starbucks. I hope they enjoy their pile of shit.

Free samples too

Today Marcus decided to sample a smoothie. This is his idea of sampling. Glob heaps of smoothie flopped into sample cups. In my opinion, if you're going to try to make some effort to do work, at least attempt to half ass it. We're not even required to sample. I sure wouldn't eat those shit smears. Two more days of this. . .

More news

This article appeared in the Sun Times today. I thought it was pretty self-explanatory, until I came to the last line of the article. . .



I really don't understand how a snake could be worse. I think finding ANY dead animal in your canister of coffee is pretty bad, regardless of the species. Unless it's a full size adult rhino. Then I'd start to freak out, because getting a rhino inside a coffee canister has to take some effort, and then you have to consider the possibility that this might not be an accident and someone is deliberately stuffing your Folger's with a dead rhino for a reason. It could be a practical joke, it could be a mob warning. Next thing you know you find a seagull in your milk jug, a lemur in your candy bar, and you're being chased through the streets of Los Angeles by Mark Wahlberg riding in a Mini Cooper. Now you've got it worse. A snake? Child's play, lady.

Yo soy

Ok. So I realized that I hadn't revealed what I look like yet(though I'm pretty sure that only friends who know me read this blog), so I decided to get a little self indulgent and take a snapshot of my sunny visage. However, the real reason I wanted to post this picture was because I discovered two things upon reviewing my picture: that trying to look happy while taking a picture for a blog about yourself only makes you look exhaustingly desperate, and that my face is shaped like the letter V. That means I'm engineered for one thing and one thing only: hard core muff diving. Ladies?

Stay positive!

Last week was my roommate Kat's birthday. In celebration I put up a banner outside of her room that says "Happy Birthday Kat." Since all of us are lazy the banner has remained on the wall for a while. Unfortunately, the "Birthday" part fell off the wall, so now all that's left is "Happy Kat." I hope this serves as a message of joy and inspiration for her every day she wakes up in the morning and steps out of her room. Stay happy, Kat.

Cozy's

This is the men's bathroom at a noodle shop called Cozy's. It's covered floor to cieling with all of these action figures. I got nothing to say about it. It's just really fucking rad.

Dogs

A few weeks ago I was a production assitant for a guy taping a show for the local cable access network. The show was called Pet Trends. It was basically about new pet products with an emphasis on dogs. For the show we went to the Pet Industry Trade Show at the Rosemont Hotel. It was super. $400 pet beds, $700 sweaters for shih-tzus, automatic dog washers. One guy was trying to push artificial turf that could collect urine in an easily disposable tube. When he saw the TV camera he grabbed a tiny dachsund that shivered when standing and tried to force him to urinate by shouting "Come on! You can do it! Just pee a little bit!"



One booth was entirely dedicated to Jewish pet toys. If you gave the company owner a few bucks, he'd take your dog behind the curtain and perform a bris.



Thank god this wasn't a lamb.



I don't. . . what the fuck.



I really don't think Ozzy Osborne would endorse Cat Attract. But notice the animal print pants he's wearing. They seem to be from a member of the cat family.