State of the Shit

Today I switched to this lovely computer to learn the Marriott guest reservation and check in system. I read green colored font all day and pined for the color and vibrancy of the training CDs of yesterday. But every time I was about to fall asleep or think this sucks, my brain shouted "Hey! At least you're not working at Starbucks, you fuck!" And then suddenly everything came into perspective and I laughed and raised my imaginary cup to an imaginary God.

Job: #2

Today was the first day of my new job with Marriott International. All day I sat in front of a computer and went through training CD's, which is fine with me because soon I'll be on my feet all day. They entertained me with acronyms/acrostic poetry and customer service videos. I hope one day my smile will be as sincere as the guy in the background of the picture. I also hope I get to wear a kick ass vest like him as well.

Oh, Thanksgiving

Ok. So I'm going to cover my trip home for Thanksgiving in one fell swoop, because I don't feel like making a post for every day. That's stupid. I have a life. In a sense.


After I vacated my room and moved to Chicago my mom told me she was going to buy new furniture and make it into a guest room. She made me interested to see it because she kept telling me it was "tropically themed" and would remind me of "Hawaii" (where I was born). So when I arrive home and beheld the brown bland town that my room had become it was extremely difficult to feign surprise and joy. There was nothing on the walls, every piece of furniture was a shade of brown, and the room echoed. Oh boy did I feel like I was at the most nihilistic paradise ever.



While I was home I got a haircut. With no instruction the barber decided to comb my hair over like I was hiding baldness. After taking this picture I auditioned for and was accepted as a replacement for Bob Barker, solely based on coiffeur.

And now here's a section of pictures of some of my friends from AZ, because they were a big reason my trip home kicked ass. Shitties!





One of my friends is a rock star, so this is the best picture I could get of him.

And that's Thanksgiving. No turkey pictures. That's too easy. I decorated the house for Christmas with my mom and dad, but that was so painful that I refused to document it. Because Christmas eats my ass.

Last supper

My last day at Starbucks/Freshens/the Convient Store. F yea.




The last time I have to make the transition to barista, hopefully for forever. I'm smug with satisfaction.



As I left the building for the final time my eyes detected something sublime. A group of about 5 guys were putting up this statue. I know it's hard to see the detail in this picture, but it basically looks like the statue is made out of cow patties heaped on top one another. It was a fecal monument to my return to Starbucks. I hope they enjoy their pile of shit.

Free samples too

Today Marcus decided to sample a smoothie. This is his idea of sampling. Glob heaps of smoothie flopped into sample cups. In my opinion, if you're going to try to make some effort to do work, at least attempt to half ass it. We're not even required to sample. I sure wouldn't eat those shit smears. Two more days of this. . .

More news

This article appeared in the Sun Times today. I thought it was pretty self-explanatory, until I came to the last line of the article. . .



I really don't understand how a snake could be worse. I think finding ANY dead animal in your canister of coffee is pretty bad, regardless of the species. Unless it's a full size adult rhino. Then I'd start to freak out, because getting a rhino inside a coffee canister has to take some effort, and then you have to consider the possibility that this might not be an accident and someone is deliberately stuffing your Folger's with a dead rhino for a reason. It could be a practical joke, it could be a mob warning. Next thing you know you find a seagull in your milk jug, a lemur in your candy bar, and you're being chased through the streets of Los Angeles by Mark Wahlberg riding in a Mini Cooper. Now you've got it worse. A snake? Child's play, lady.

Yo soy

Ok. So I realized that I hadn't revealed what I look like yet(though I'm pretty sure that only friends who know me read this blog), so I decided to get a little self indulgent and take a snapshot of my sunny visage. However, the real reason I wanted to post this picture was because I discovered two things upon reviewing my picture: that trying to look happy while taking a picture for a blog about yourself only makes you look exhaustingly desperate, and that my face is shaped like the letter V. That means I'm engineered for one thing and one thing only: hard core muff diving. Ladies?

Stay positive!

Last week was my roommate Kat's birthday. In celebration I put up a banner outside of her room that says "Happy Birthday Kat." Since all of us are lazy the banner has remained on the wall for a while. Unfortunately, the "Birthday" part fell off the wall, so now all that's left is "Happy Kat." I hope this serves as a message of joy and inspiration for her every day she wakes up in the morning and steps out of her room. Stay happy, Kat.

Cozy's

This is the men's bathroom at a noodle shop called Cozy's. It's covered floor to cieling with all of these action figures. I got nothing to say about it. It's just really fucking rad.

Dogs

A few weeks ago I was a production assitant for a guy taping a show for the local cable access network. The show was called Pet Trends. It was basically about new pet products with an emphasis on dogs. For the show we went to the Pet Industry Trade Show at the Rosemont Hotel. It was super. $400 pet beds, $700 sweaters for shih-tzus, automatic dog washers. One guy was trying to push artificial turf that could collect urine in an easily disposable tube. When he saw the TV camera he grabbed a tiny dachsund that shivered when standing and tried to force him to urinate by shouting "Come on! You can do it! Just pee a little bit!"



One booth was entirely dedicated to Jewish pet toys. If you gave the company owner a few bucks, he'd take your dog behind the curtain and perform a bris.



Thank god this wasn't a lamb.



I don't. . . what the fuck.



I really don't think Ozzy Osborne would endorse Cat Attract. But notice the animal print pants he's wearing. They seem to be from a member of the cat family.

Gettin' towed

My car has been towed two times in the past two months. The first time there was no real explanation from the police; the second time my roommate accidentally parked it in a school zone. After the first towing, I neglected to wipe off the ID numbers the towing company wrote on my car. So the second time it was towed, they just scratched out the old numbers and wrote new ones. Now my car is covered with numbers. Maybe people will think I'm just an eccentric mathematician when I drive around now.



Freshens: Conversations with Marcus

Marcus and I stand behind the counter in silence, staring out at the bank.
Marcus- "Man, time and space exists between everything there is."
Me- "Hm?"
Marcus- "Time and space."
Me- "Where did that come from?"
Marcus- "I was just thinking about the awesome powers of creation."
Silence.

Marcus- "You know those band, like Anthrax and Megadeth?"
Rachel- "Yea."
Marcus- "You like them?"
Rachel- "No, I don't like 80's hard rock bands."
Marcus- (in a pseudo hard rock singer's voice) "We won't give up! We won't give up! We won't we won't we won't give up! Rararara, rararara!"
Rachel- "You like those guys?"
Marcus- "No. But I'll tell you one band I do like is Fleetwod Mac."

Math is Hard

Marcus, my coworker, receives a math lesson from Rachel, the girl who runs the convenient store, on how to figure out a customer's change when it doesn't show up on the register. I'm not kidding. It's hard to believe that I'm on the same employment level with this guy. I'm not trying to sound arrogant, but there are a lot of retarded people who can do simple math.



Marcus contemplates his lesson. Shortly after taking this picture he approached me with his calculator to make sure he was adding and subtracting correctly.


Customer quote of the day (as overheard at Starbucks):
"I can't believe Carol. Last week she was pissing babies, and now all she can do is bullshit."

In the news

Today's Sun Times featured this fantastic headline. This guy killed a deer that broke into his daughter's house with his bare hands. I'd hate to see how he dealt with his children when they were acting unruly.



The last line of the article: "He's (the deer) in the freezer." Amazing.

The Art of Convenience

When I started working over at the smoothie place, I was asked to fill in occasionally for the girl who runs the convenient store adjacent to the smoothie bar. It's a very boring task. When I get really desperate I start taking fruity artsty pictures of stuff in the store. Here are the fruit(y)s of my labor.



In between candy and registers, we find Jesus.



An army of Bic lighters awaits the next smoker or crazed pyromaniac.



The back wall of my workspace catches some nice light.



Above a Bears balloon, hope shines in and blinds me at the counter.

Chase is now Bank One!

Last Monday Bank One became Chase. In celebration of the name change there was a big hoorah in the Bank One/Chase building. The festivities included this grossly out of place Beatles cover band that played in the eating area of the lower plaza. The drummer was especially bad, but it made me wonder if he had no talent or if he was trying to make his Ringo impersonation as true to life as possible. That day was the emptiest I've ever seen the eating area.